xoxo

Eat my fuck!

Does anyone really care? Didn’t think so.

Brilliant writer sitting at home with obviously nothing better to do.

AND SCENE.

Duh

First of all, before any of you get any wise ass ideas about complaining on the internet or bitching me out in this forum, let me preface this by saying that I fully understand addiction and that Charlie Sheen is indeed in a substance induced mania that is making him act like this. He needs help, but you know who needs MORE help? The media. I guess I’m not helping, but nobody is reading this rag anyway. Duh!

I really thought I was officially Charlie’d out, and even posted it on my Facebook page. I could not take any more and was grateful there were no cameras around when I was drinking…well, there is one tape out there, but let’s not split hairs just yet. But oh noooo, Mr. Sheen, you had to eff with me and do a live webcast of yourself and your dysfunctional ‘family’ (yes, just like the Mansons) worshipping you. It really reminded me of a scene where everyone is nice to the drug dealer and has to sit through his antics and then and only then, are the drugs distributed.

I thought, well, at least he’ll have a career as being a mascot for The Howard Stern show. I made a few comments because I cannot always control myself and asked him if he needed any joke writers, as this was becoming quite PAINFUL, during the live ‘chat’ feed. Glad my twitter icon is a cartoon, because he was totally ripping on everyone who had anything of any intelligence to say to him. I was just being a smart ass, and as always, trying to get paying work. He really does need a speech writer, are we all in agreement about that?

So I finally get to bed, and get some well deserved REM sleep and who do you think shows up in my dream? I woke up shivering and almost crying. It was the longest dream EVER, DUDE, because Charlie Sheen would just not shut the EFF up!  And it was those same two words again over and over…’Winning!’ and ‘Duh!’

I don’t give a flying eff about his tigers blood and his Adonis DNA, I just want him to shut the hell up. Leave me alone, stay out of my dreams and my head and stop scaring the CHILDREN!

One quick point, re: Adnonis DNA: Charlie Sheen and I are about the same age. Please look at the photos below.

This is a recent photo of ME....

And this is Mr. Sheeeeeen...

Does anybody notice any distinct differences, besides the fact that he is a male and I’m not? People all over the country are complaining that he should take his money and get the best medical care in the world. Well, obviously boys and girls, he’s not gonna do THAT, so I think he should get lots and lots of botox, juvederm, and restalyne and whatever else his plastic surgeon reccommends so we don’t have to continue to look at his face which has turned into an old catcher’s mitt. Yes, he was a cutie patootie in ‘Platoon’, and a cute but cocky guy in ‘Wall Street’, and the cutest scumbag I’ve ever seen in ‘Ferris Beuller’s Day Off’ for 6 minutes, but for the love of God, Chuckie, you do realize you are turning into a caricature of yourself, right?

Anyway, not only am I sick of this but I’m ready to sue him for having the audacity to come into MY living room (I know I could have changed channels but it’s EVERYWHERE!) and repeating his oh so original snazzy catch phrases to the point that I am positive there is a giant fly with Charlie Sheen’s head on it in my kitchen at 4 in the morning. It just buzzes all over the place, eats my cats’ food and talks to me in my sleep to plant those annoying subliminal messages of ‘Duh’ and ‘Winning’.  This guy is like the annoying guy at any random party that you happen to make the mistake of sitting down next to, and you are forced to listen to him talk about George Washington Carver and the peanut for 2 hours before your friends come to rescue you, then your friends make fun of you in the car all the way back home, adding insult to injury.

So, yeah, you ARE winning this round, Chuck. You are successfully annoying every single solitary human being in the nation with your hijinx and I think I speak for half the free world when I say “SHUT THE CHRIST UP!” That was the single WORST webcast I have ever seen in my life. Could you at least TRY to be like Merv Griffin? Have some class, wouldja? Would it KILL you to get a god damn comb and some dry shampoo, at least? It’s not like you’re balding, so what’s with that ridiculous hat? But I swear as the Lord Jeeeeesus as my witness, if I see you skanking around my kitchen, I will swat you. There is a giant can of  Raid standing by.

Drawring by Chris Wahl. Thank you, sir.

NEW RULES, LILLIAN!

These are my NEW RULES for this year. I’m printing them out and putting them up on the refrigerator.

No more courtesy waves. “Hey guy from Maple st who was in the way in the first place…thanks soooo much!”

There will be no using the ‘chat’ feature on Facebook. No chatting online–period. I am a writer and I am annoyed by constant typing of stupid doo dads unless they are in some type of format. I may draw the line at email.

No texting whatsoever. See above for reason why but I shouldn’t have to explain, should I?

Remind people who email you entirely in all caps that it is email speak for yelling. Or don’t associate with them anymore if they’re not that important.

Try to be more considerate of those oh so sensitive to profanity so  therefore

“I would like to cordially invite you to please retrieve your shinebox’

(It confuses them, and amuses me)

I will refrain from trying to explain anything to those ‘earth people’ or those who do not respond to logic, common sense, or common decency.  Forgive the earth people, for they know not what they do.

I will try hard not to get angry or say something smart aleckey when some socially inept idiot makes a snide remark about my clothing. Defending your clothing choices in hickland is a full time job and it exhausts me. One of those ‘if you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all’ type deals.

I will close the door to anyone who is outright mean to me. Hey, I’m sensitive.

If someone is outright rude, mean or cruel to me in an email or on FB or Twitter, they will be defriended or ignored until i get an apology. (this may involve them picking up the PHONE, like a human being)

I will not post comments from people who sign in with bogus names/email addys on my blog. You know who I am, give me the same privledge.

I will stop complaining about how hard graduate school is. It’s supposed to be hard. Duh.

Lillian WILL use the phone, and prays that her friends do the same. No more facebook drama.

(Please don’t make me hunt down that Zuckerberg kid and poke him and scream “LIKE!” at him until he collapses on the floor and cries like a little girl for ruining lives because I wouldn’t be in touch with some of you without this dang contraption.)

I will forgive everyone who has wronged me. It is better to understand than to be understood. But I will not tolerate bullies. They will be ignored or turned into the authorities. However, just because I forgive for my own peace of mind does NOT mean I have to go out to lunch with mental defectives. I got shit to do.

Continue to realize that there are no big deals.

I might start exercising, but this is not a promise, just a thought. I accept myself as I am.

And if my friends don’t accept me or like me for who I am, they too will be advised to get their effing shineboxes!

I will have no fear of people and have no secrets.

I will not be a doormat, nor a doofus.

When dealing with idiots in any industry, I will use the word ‘unacceptable’ when an idiot is doing his or her best to tell me I’m not getting that refund or free shipping as promised, or what have you. This makes the idiots think a little bit more than usual.

Use the word ‘unacceptable. You don’t have to tell people about your  life. If they are wrong, don’t embellish. Just say ‘THAT was unacceptable’.

I will not attempt to explain things that need no explanation even if i am asked (this applies mostly to strangers). This is so that I avoid saying things like ‘What part of that did you NOT understand?’ or ‘Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?’

While I am more aware of the way the world works, I am a work in progress. If a ‘friend’ yells at me for being ‘stupid’, they are not my friend, and again, must go away —apologies are accepted and forgiveness will be given. That does not mean I will hang out with them anymore, however.

I will practice my cartooning skills. Too many crappy jokes with ok drawings out there. I have great jokes with crappy drawings. Let’s work on this.

I will practice these principles in all my affairs.

And finally, if I must, I will purchase a megaphone so I can walk around telling people “This is a joke. It is only a joke. Do not be alarmed. There is a concept known as humor. I have worked too many tough rooms due to people that don’t get my sense of humor. So if you don’t like it Lillian, Lillian, where are you going? Leeeol, wait, I said come back here, Hey, do you hear the phone ringing? Do you? Ok, bye bye phone for Lil.”

Gotta get the one on the right...or the striped one....

My pink Betsey tree...

Mad Ave opening..old skool, baby!

I’ve been busy with grad school so I don’t have a lot of time here, this semeter is the hardest one so far. So I decided I must look fashionable while I do it so I’ve been a chattin with my new friends at Betsey Johnson Northbrook, Geary St., Kansas City, Topanga, Santa Monica and San Marcos! Pictures to come!  Planning on going to Fashion Week for the Betsey show —I can hardly contain myself!  I look forward to maybe running into Betsey again and telling her about her awesome pink ladies! Thank you Dara, Sasha and Aja and Rain! I am soooooooo grateful to you guys and your fabulous friendly customer service –always with a smile!

aaaagh! I love it! I love it! I love it!

Getting out of me funk here… It’s my right to be happy, my right to not hate my job, my right to love life. I WILL wear my groovy hair extensions. I WILL wear my Betsey Johnson clothes (which the hicks find oh so entertaining)….And my Fleuvogs!

And….here are some pix from the Betsey Johnson fall show I just attended! Muah!  I would like to thank my generous hosts, Christopher Hornauer, Linda and Peter Levy, and this rad dude named Alex who gave us the VIP treatment! xoxo

Seth stole the show!

BACKSTAGE!

My view at the show!

LOVE!

My view of the catwalk...of the catwalk...

One of my stylists, the fabulous Sasha!

Got this one! Thanks, Dara!

WANT!

There are no new pictures on my blog because my battery charger for a camera I have had less than a year has gone kaput. I brought it back to the store and while the guys in electronics were really helpful, it had been past 90 days so they said I had to go to the manufacturer for a replacement. Of course, when I called POLAROID, they were very willing to sell me a replacement part for $30 when the camera costs now make it not a good investment. Do they eat brain tumors for lunch up in that piece? Are they using inmates to answer the phones and pretend to talk to their supervisor when I ask to go higher up your pathetic food chain of power? Haven’t heard anyone with an Indian accent pick up the phone, so it’s gotta be a bunch of real winners working there. They don’t care because they don’t have to.

Now, in the meantime, the store it was purchased at (that people in the North Country call just a ‘fancy Ames’) is Target, decides to donate over $150,000 to anti-gay political candidates.  Don’t like them now. Boycott is a-happenin’….(This is  not just me)

I’m gonna keep this brief to spare you my pain. So I call POLAROID several times, getting promised a call back, which I didn’t get, then they refer me to the store’s customer relations line so I can get an itemized receipt as proof of purchase. The store said that they can’t do that and why would POLAROID say that? So the store blames the manufacturer then the manufacturer blames the store.

Why are you treating me this way? Why?

The model of the camera isn’t a year old, so how can I be lying about when it was purchased? AND I have a copy of the cancelled check. My 72 year old mother went into their store SPECIFICIALLY to buy me that POLAROID camera I wanted for Christmas and now POLAROID is calling her a liar? REALLY? You’re not serious, you’re not calling my mother a liar are you? Oh no, you didn’t.

She would rip into those guys like Joan Crawford on steroids if I told her, but I’m gonna see if the power of the pen will work, or at least lower their sales, until THEY DO THE RIGHT THING and replace a charger that hasn’t even been used that much. I still have the stickers on the camera, for the love of Pete! The last guy I talked to at Polaroid wasn’t swayed by any logic, common sense or common decency. I asked him if he wouldn’t mind if I go to the Better Business Bureau or would he like to just send me a charger that won’t cost this BILLION dollar company much at all. He said ‘Fine’. I said ‘Really? So basically you’re telling me you don’t really care, do you?’ and I could almost, just almost hear him say “no”.

SO SCREW YOU POLAROID! You win the trophy, and narrowly escaped screw you of the month. I hope you’re proud of yourselves, really. Thanks for not standing by your product or your warranty. God forbid you should do the right thing at Christmastime. Thanks for giving me the run around, and having Nazi’s answering your phones. What a pleasant job you must have. Fillibustering as good as congress to be sure I don’t get that one year warranty.  Way to go A-holes.

I vow to pester Polaroid for the same amount of time of their warranty. Maybe I’ll keep my word, maybe I won’t. Just like them. I will Twitter them to death if that is at all possible. If I HAD a camera that worked like it was supposed to, there would be a picture of me on this post doing something not so lady like. Don’t fuck with me fellas, this ain’t my first time at the rodeo!

Remember, it’s not libel if it’s TRUE. Screw you, seriously.

You don't want to make this woman mad, seriously. Trust me.

Just pet the reindeer nice, Lenny...that's it.....

Seriously, get over yourselves. What exactly is there to feel or not feel about Christmastime? There are idiots all around you at all year round, but NOW we decide to complain? Listen, have a little gratitude for what you have and shut the hell up. Sure, I know it’s hard to deal with the learning-disabled people they hire at JC Penney when all YOU want to do is get yer mum a sweater that she may or may not even wear because you don’t spend enough time with her during the year so you don’t even know what’s in her closet. And God forbid you should have to wait in lines at this time of the year. You are aware that Christmastime shopping is shopping for the criminally insane, right? You could start shopping earlier or do it online. Try to realize that working in retail at Christmas is challenging for some people. That is why they work in retail. They don’t know that YOUR time is oh so much more valuable than THEIR time. They have to stand there for 8 hours a day and try to act like they give a shit about your grandma’s bathrobe and do you think she will like it? Well, how the hell should they know? Usually these people are not fashion consultants, they are just people that are having a hard enough time ringing up sales without crying.

Hey, I am not above all this, I have learned many a-lesson in dealing with stupid stores that don’t practice good customer service and how to deal with the general public. I like to call them ‘earth people’. Recently, I had a run in with a company that I used to buy my shapewear from. I mailed and insured a return to them (over seven bucks of my hard earned money) and asked for an exchange or a refund. After them claiming they never received the package for 2 weeks, I finally get a call from some flunkie telling me they won’t be accepting my return because it was worn. Well for God’s sake, how do you know if it’s going to fit unless you try it on! “What a bunch of ding dongs!” I thought. Trying it on is different than wearing it. So I requested that they just send it back to me. They said they would have to ‘investigate’ to see if they could do that. Um, hey, I paid 42 bucks for that item and after going back and forth with e-mails in which I was trying to show these people a little concept called ‘logic’ and ‘truth in advertising’ I had to advise them that I would contact the Better Business Bureau before they would agree to an exchange. I have yet to receive that in the mail, but now I have it all in writing, so I think I’m covered. It’s frustrating. But this seems to happen with many companies, who are too cheap to stand behind their own products that they put a ‘100% satisfaction guarantee’ label on. Does this mean that the people who sell brake pads who put ‘100% satisfaction guarantee’ on their label don’t have to stand by it if someone gets killed due to their faulty crap? I have had this problem with other companies, and you can fix these situations, but remember who you are dealing with when you attempt to use common sense. Try not to make them angry. They don’t like that. I like to use the word ‘unacceptable’ a lot.  I would LOVE to re-create that scene from ‘Fast Times at Ridgemont High” someday where Brad has an unhappy customer and the guy says ‘This isn’t the best breakfast I’ve ever had, and it says 100% guarantee. So put your little hand back in the cash register and give me back my three dolllars and twenty one cents, BRAD!”

NOW, onto the general public, or ‘earth people’. People should seriously stop saying ‘How are you?’ because nobody really cares, really. If you say ‘FINE’, it is only an anachronism for Fucked-Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. So screw that. I recently came down with bronchitis and GOD FORBID you should tell anyone you are sick. Some people run from you like you have contageous leprosy. Hey, maybe I’ll start telling people that. Or the plague. That way, I will be able to avoid all the handshaking and kissing and old geezers trying to hug me so they can breathe on me and infect me with God only knows what.  I don’t care how old you are, have some God damn manners.

So this holiday season, just deal with it, won’t you? Don’t be a doofus, but don’t be a doormat, either. Don’t ask people how they are, don’t respond when they ask you. It’s okay to say ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Hannukah’ or ‘Joyous Kwanza’ or ‘Festivus for the rest of us’, but that’s about it.

Inspired by the idiots of the world…

I know I this is not perfect, so for those of you about to complain, here’s a translation of the hard to read first panel of my first draft of a doodle….

Girl: I’m sad.

Boy: But why?

Girl: I just am.Let’s leave it at that.